thrive:

"I was battered by my second husband"

The three most common questions I have been asked by people are: (1) How did I get into the situation (2) Why did I stay as long as I did, and (3) What gave me the strength and courage to leave.

Like most battered women, I was swept off my feet by my batterer. I was sent flowers and bought gifts. He was always around or calling me constantly. Needless to say, I was flattered by all the attention he was giving me. Batterers can be very charming people. The charm is merely a manipulation tool they use as the first step to getting control of you. I was so caught up in all the attention I was getting that I paid little attention to his quick temper. I paid little attention to the fact that he was beginning to isolate me slowly from my family and friends. So you could say he charmed himself into my life like a serpent and only showed his true colors when he had me in his grasps. With that control, he began to remake my life. I could not wear makeup. I had to wear long skirts. His reasons were I was beautiful without makeup and he did not want any man but him seeing my body. I complied with his wishes even though I did not want to, but I wanted to please him. Pleasing him became a big problem because no matter what I did, I could not please him. The abuse started verbally. I was called “stupid bitch” and other degrading names. He would talk to me any kind of way and where and in front of anybody. It never mattered to him if I got upset. He criticized me constantly from the way I folded towels to (believe it or not) how I put things in the refrigerator.

Then the beating began. The first time I really wanted to believe he would not do it again although deep down inside I knew he would. Oh he was always apologetic asking me to forgive him afterwards, sometimes even crying. Before long I knew it was a pattern for him. He beats me, feels bad about it and is nice to me for awhile until the next time. I tried to stay out of his way as much as possible and I tried to make sure my children did not get him riled up.

We were only together for three years but they were the longest three years of my life and my children. I stayed with him for three main reasons. First, it was guilt. I thought I was being punished by God for marrying a non-believer. That is not true of course but I believed it at the time. Second, I stayed for financial reasons. I did not have enough money to leave and there were no shelters at that time. I was out of touch with my family members because of the isolation and frankly, I was embarrassed. Third, I stayed mainly though out of fear. I was afraid of him with good reason to be. He told me he would kill me if I left him. I believed him.

I got the strength and courage to leave him because I losing the most important things and people in my life. I had to be made aware of this because you see I was a beaten down woman. I was beaten down more than physically. I was beaten down mentally and emotionally. I had no self-esteem or self-confidence. I hated myself and what I had subjected my children to.

Things began to happen to open up my eyes. You can call it what you will. I call it God. My first husband took my children to live with him. He knew I was being abused and did not want the children in a hostile environment. He saw the damage being done to them emotionally. The children suffered seeing me, their mother, being beaten constantly. They suffered not being able to be at peace in their home because we all walked on egg shells around this man for fear of getting him angry. I missed many days off work because some days I could not camouflage a black eye. Then there were those days that I was such an emotional wreck, I could not go. My boss called me into his office and told me to please get my life together because he could no longer allow me to continue to be off work. People were talking at work.

Then at six months pregnant, I received one of the worst beatings when he pushed me so hard that my head hit the edge of a mantle and a big knot formed in the back of my head. He rushed me to the hospital. He lied to the doctor and said I fell and hit my head. The doctor got me alone and only said to me…. “Catherine, learn to love yourself and do not let anyone hurt you.” I began to cry because I realized he knew that I had been beaten. I felt so ashamed. He held me. The turning point began. My children were gone, my job almost gone and the realization that people know that I am being abused.

I made up my mind that I would leave in spite of his threats. It dawned on me that he was going to kill me if I stayed whether I leave or stay. I came to the conclusion that I would rather lose my life trying to save it than to just stay and allow myself to be killed. I wanted back what and who was important to me – my children, my reputation on my job and my life.

With that renewed strength and courage, I became stronger emotionally and mentally as I planned a way out of this awful marriage from hell. I was given money by his grandmother to leave him and I did. I got my children back. I got respect back on my job. I got my life back. My relationship with my children was damaged and it took years before it was restored. Unfortunately, when you go through a situation such as ours some damage done can not be undone. The scars remain.